Recently I was in a webinar that aimed to tackle the issues surrounding technology and its effects on students. Some members of the forum started openly criticising boys for their poor behaviour. Whilst their criticisms were not directed specifically at our boys, I was offended at their general statements. We can be too quick to criticise boys and we forget that their frontal lobes are still developing. We also forget that their brains are “wired” differently from girls and that they don’t see the same levels of reason that we do (my 9-year-old son is a perfect example!). Sadly, our frustrations with our boys’ misgivings can result in us overlooking all of the wonderful things that our boys do!
Working with our young men can be so rewarding and I am reminded of this each day. For the vast majority of the time our boys turn up to school with a smile on their face. They acknowledge adults and teachers as they walk by and look you in the eye when they shake your hand. Our boys wear their uniforms with pride and are respectful to their teachers. Their enthusiasm can be seen on the sporting fields and during their service activities.
Unfortunately, from time to time, boys will make a mistake. As adults, we need to accept this reality. If a boy makes a mistake, we need to help him to learn three things. Firstly, it is acceptable to make mistakes. We all do, and it is an integral part of learning and becoming a well-adjusted young man. Secondly, boys need to learn to be honest, own their mistake and accept the consequences. Thirdly, and sometimes most importantly, our sons need to know that we will forgive them when they make a mistake. By not forgiving our boys’ mistakes, we are not modelling for them the skills of forgiveness and tolerance. We need to view our boys’ mistakes as a learning process and remember to acknowledge all of the good things that they do.
As parents and teachers we walk a fine line with our rules, rewards and consequences. As psychologist and author, Dr Michael Carr-Gregg acknowledges in his book “Surviving Adolescents”, we need to negotiate with our teenagers the rules in our homes, boarding houses and schools. If the boys do not feel that they have some ownership in shaping them, they can become rebellious. However, the flip side is that if we do not create the structures that are important for wellbeing and flourishing, we end up with entitled teens who never see the value in setting limits. Carr-Gregg calls these entitled boys “Prince Boofheads”.
The most compelling consequence that we can impart on our boys is restricting something that they enjoy. We all know that a consequence needs to “hurt” a little, however, too often we get frustrated when our boys do not learn from the consequence and re-offend. When this occurs, we need to reshape our thinking to establishing a rewards system for desirable behaviour. For example, if your son is allowed to use technology in the morning, he should be rewarded for being ready before the parent who is driving him. Once his bag is packed and he has everything he needs for the day he might be allowed some time on his Xbox. This contrasts with allowing him access to his Xbox when he wakes up and having to remove the privilege of using his Xbox in the morning when he is not ready on time. In both cases he can access his Xbox, we just need to consider how we can offer his access as a reward for desirable behaviour as opposed to a punishment for his undesirable behaviour.
As parents and teachers, we don’t always get it right in finding the balance between rules, rewards and consequences. However, the more consistent we are, the more our boys will trust us and in turn, when our boys do the wrong thing, we can use our trusting relationship as the basis on which we establish and promote positive future behaviours.
Mr Mark Oliphant
Head of Senior School
Latest Blog
Filmmaker, Storyteller and Visionary
From his days as a boarding student at Toowoomba Grammar School, where he first dipped his toes into the world of filming GPS sporting events, to his current roles as sports documentarian and founder of the Outback Film Club, Clancy’s journey is a testament to the power of passion and perseverance. Establishing Outback Film Club has been a real triumph The echoes of school war cries reverberating around the Chandler Aquatic Centre in 2011 marked the start of Clancy’s cinematic journey.…
A Cut Shot Above The Rest
Ben’s sport takes him to the best beaches on the planet, but his love of volleyball began back at Toowoomba Grammar School, inspired after seeing his older brother play. As Ben explains, he was hooked:
Gummingurru Excursion - Deep Time History of Australia on our Doorstep
Gummingurru is unique in being the best-preserved initiation site in southeast Queensland, including bora rings and various stone arrangements that have ancient links to the totems and kinship practices of the Jarowair and Giabal people of Toowoomba and the Darling Downs, as well as the broader region within the highly significant cultural landscape of the Bunya Mountains. The boys were welcomed to, and guided through, the site and its learning centre by Mr Shannon Bauwens, a Western Wakka…
Responding to Negative Peer Interactions
As we approach the end of Term 3, we find it is typically a time when boys start to get tired and emotional and are most likely to make poor decisions that can lead to relationship challenges between peers. Comments and humour shared between mates that may have been received without concern in the first week of the term may change as boys start to tire and their tolerance levels decrease. This may lead to boys reacting with heightened and overly emotional responses. This is normal as boys are…
Boarding is who we are
Our boarders make up nearly one third of our student cohort from Years 5 to 12, which enables us to consider the boarding experience in all that we do at the School. Every boarding experience at TGS is about equipping boys with the skills to function as a student and preparing them for their future.
Making a Positive Impact with Homework Assistance
The Anglicare Homework Assistance Program (HAP), run in conjunction with Darling Heights State School, sees many of our boys volunteer their time on Wednesdays after class to help many young refugee and primary school students facing challenging times with their homework, or to chat and play games. Our boys thoroughly enjoy meeting, supporting and learning about the lives of the younger children. This forges community connections and fosters inclusion for the Darling Heights students; it also…
Fresh Faces Guide - TGS Sportsmen into the Fray
With their dedication to excellence and player development, TGS athletes are in good hands as they navigate the challenges and triumphs of competitive sports.
Honouring Tradition, Preparing for the Future
They will invariably be inspired by effective teaching and the satisfaction of personal achievement will always be motivating. At Toowoomba Grammar School, the power of high-quality instructional practices has resulted in the development of a strong academic culture that has endured for nearly 150 years. Preserving core principles provides stability and continuity. However, we must be open to continuously adapting our methods so that our students are well-prepared for the ever-changing world…
We See You - Mitchell Wilkes
That was the heart-wrenching diagnosis for Year 10 student, Mitchell Wilkes, right on Christmas in 2021. Mitchell’s mum noticed he wasn’t reading properly and had a gut feeling that there was something wrong with his eyesight. A trip to the optometrist revealed a thinning in the retina, and further tests showed that Mitchell had a genetic condition called Stargardt Disease, a juvenile macular degeneration illness that results in slow central vision loss.
