Recently I was in a webinar that aimed to tackle the issues surrounding technology and its effects on students. Some members of the forum started openly criticising boys for their poor behaviour. Whilst their criticisms were not directed specifically at our boys, I was offended at their general statements. We can be too quick to criticise boys and we forget that their frontal lobes are still developing. We also forget that their brains are “wired” differently from girls and that they don’t see the same levels of reason that we do (my 9-year-old son is a perfect example!). Sadly, our frustrations with our boys’ misgivings can result in us overlooking all of the wonderful things that our boys do!
Working with our young men can be so rewarding and I am reminded of this each day. For the vast majority of the time our boys turn up to school with a smile on their face. They acknowledge adults and teachers as they walk by and look you in the eye when they shake your hand. Our boys wear their uniforms with pride and are respectful to their teachers. Their enthusiasm can be seen on the sporting fields and during their service activities.
Unfortunately, from time to time, boys will make a mistake. As adults, we need to accept this reality. If a boy makes a mistake, we need to help him to learn three things. Firstly, it is acceptable to make mistakes. We all do, and it is an integral part of learning and becoming a well-adjusted young man. Secondly, boys need to learn to be honest, own their mistake and accept the consequences. Thirdly, and sometimes most importantly, our sons need to know that we will forgive them when they make a mistake. By not forgiving our boys’ mistakes, we are not modelling for them the skills of forgiveness and tolerance. We need to view our boys’ mistakes as a learning process and remember to acknowledge all of the good things that they do.
As parents and teachers we walk a fine line with our rules, rewards and consequences. As psychologist and author, Dr Michael Carr-Gregg acknowledges in his book “Surviving Adolescents”, we need to negotiate with our teenagers the rules in our homes, boarding houses and schools. If the boys do not feel that they have some ownership in shaping them, they can become rebellious. However, the flip side is that if we do not create the structures that are important for wellbeing and flourishing, we end up with entitled teens who never see the value in setting limits. Carr-Gregg calls these entitled boys “Prince Boofheads”.
The most compelling consequence that we can impart on our boys is restricting something that they enjoy. We all know that a consequence needs to “hurt” a little, however, too often we get frustrated when our boys do not learn from the consequence and re-offend. When this occurs, we need to reshape our thinking to establishing a rewards system for desirable behaviour. For example, if your son is allowed to use technology in the morning, he should be rewarded for being ready before the parent who is driving him. Once his bag is packed and he has everything he needs for the day he might be allowed some time on his Xbox. This contrasts with allowing him access to his Xbox when he wakes up and having to remove the privilege of using his Xbox in the morning when he is not ready on time. In both cases he can access his Xbox, we just need to consider how we can offer his access as a reward for desirable behaviour as opposed to a punishment for his undesirable behaviour.
As parents and teachers, we don’t always get it right in finding the balance between rules, rewards and consequences. However, the more consistent we are, the more our boys will trust us and in turn, when our boys do the wrong thing, we can use our trusting relationship as the basis on which we establish and promote positive future behaviours.
Mr Mark Oliphant
Head of Senior School
Latest Blog
The Boarding Journey
Every parent will have a unique journey with their son whilst he is boarding at Toowoomba Grammar School. I’m Kym Wright, mother of Clancy, who is in Year 12 and this is my journey…. From my very first experience with Toowoomba Grammar School Boarding ten years ago, I had a good feeling straight away that TGS would be the perfect fit for my son. I was picking up my nephew for lunch. He had started boarding at TGS just six weeks prior. It was pouring rain and there were boys enthusiastically…
Building Self-Confidence and Resilience in Year 7s
As your child enters the new and unknown world of secondary school, it is a very important time to nurture the confidence and self-esteem of your son. Adolescence can also be a time of bewildering physical changes and strong emotions, opinions and increasing independence. Nurturing their confidence, self-esteem and assertiveness will go a long way to helping them to have the self-belief to tackle difficult new academic challenges, to developing new friendships and social skills, and…
Introducing our new Head of Year 7 - Jodi Blades
My family moved from Brisbane to Toowoomba when I was ten years of age. I’ve lived here for most of my life, other than to study and begin my teaching career in Brisbane. I lived and worked in London for 18 months before returning to Toowoomba in 2001. With over 20 years’ experience teaching and leading pastoral care programs within independent day and boarding schools, I am dedicated to developing students holistically; the academic, social, emotional, cultural, and physical development of…
Holiday Reading Recommendations
Here is a snapshot; three titles from each year level, and from Head of Library and Information Services, Mr Dan Crook to inspire your choices for holiday reading: Year 7: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - The last Ronin. Hatchet - Gary Paulsen Billy Slaters autobiography - Billy Slater Year 8: The dead of the night (Tomorrow series) - James Marsden Rangers Apprentice The ruins of Gorlan - John Flannagan The Hunger games. -Suzanne Collins Year 9: Back to the Pillaga - Tony Parsons Deadpool Samurai…
Life After School
As children grow and develop, they participate in a range of new experiences, with the “journey” from birth to adulthood being shaped by several awaited and expected transitions. These transitions occur across a range of context and help us to evolve in new environments. It is important to note that transition is associated with a change, which is something that happens for all of us. The concept of transition involves how we process, manage, and respond to the change. As adults, we work hard…
TGS Artist in Residence - Ben Tupas
I’ve been following Toowoomba Grammar School’s exciting Artist-in-residence program for several years. After seeing fellow Toowoomba artists such as Catherine Parker, Alice Weinthal and Vincent Parisi taking up the opportunity and engaging in the program, I decided to apply in 2022 to continue the momentum of my own artist practice. With the four-week residency wrapping up at the end of October, and some time to reflect on the experience I can write that the experience was a valuable…
The Transition to Secondary School
Research shows us that the move from a primary school to a secondary school is one of the most significant life changes that our young men will face. You can help make the transition to Senior School smoother by ensuring that the boys attend the orientation days, practice packing their bags and getting their sports, music, and activities equipment ready. When asked about tips for the boys coming into Year 7, current Year 7 dayboy, Ollie Wells suggests boys should “Be organised. Pack the night…
Nothing is Impossible
Toowoomba Grammar School's Year 7C English has been studying 'Cool Runnings' to learn about how stories or movies based on real life aren't always completely true. Extremely fascinated by the topic, young student Harry Ryan took it upon himself to message (via LinkedIn) the bobsled driver, Mr Dudley Stokes - he responded! After a little communication between the two, Harry asked Mr Stokes if he could FaceTime him during an English lesson, to 'meet' his teacher Mr Paul Irwin and classmates…
Simple Acts of Kindness
Giving back to the community is an important value that Toowoomba Grammar School endeavours to instill in our boys. Year 12 student, Tumoana Strugnell is a shining example of how it costs nothing but our time to help others, especially as we move into the Festive season and the challenges of life seem heightened. I first became involved in community service when I was in Year 6, through my local primary school’s involvement on ANZAC Day and my parent’s involvement in local community events. I’m…
