Recently I was in a webinar that aimed to tackle the issues surrounding technology and its effects on students. Some members of the forum started openly criticising boys for their poor behaviour. Whilst their criticisms were not directed specifically at our boys, I was offended at their general statements. We can be too quick to criticise boys and we forget that their frontal lobes are still developing. We also forget that their brains are “wired” differently from girls and that they don’t see the same levels of reason that we do (my 9-year-old son is a perfect example!). Sadly, our frustrations with our boys’ misgivings can result in us overlooking all of the wonderful things that our boys do!
Working with our young men can be so rewarding and I am reminded of this each day. For the vast majority of the time our boys turn up to school with a smile on their face. They acknowledge adults and teachers as they walk by and look you in the eye when they shake your hand. Our boys wear their uniforms with pride and are respectful to their teachers. Their enthusiasm can be seen on the sporting fields and during their service activities.
Unfortunately, from time to time, boys will make a mistake. As adults, we need to accept this reality. If a boy makes a mistake, we need to help him to learn three things. Firstly, it is acceptable to make mistakes. We all do, and it is an integral part of learning and becoming a well-adjusted young man. Secondly, boys need to learn to be honest, own their mistake and accept the consequences. Thirdly, and sometimes most importantly, our sons need to know that we will forgive them when they make a mistake. By not forgiving our boys’ mistakes, we are not modelling for them the skills of forgiveness and tolerance. We need to view our boys’ mistakes as a learning process and remember to acknowledge all of the good things that they do.
As parents and teachers we walk a fine line with our rules, rewards and consequences. As psychologist and author, Dr Michael Carr-Gregg acknowledges in his book “Surviving Adolescents”, we need to negotiate with our teenagers the rules in our homes, boarding houses and schools. If the boys do not feel that they have some ownership in shaping them, they can become rebellious. However, the flip side is that if we do not create the structures that are important for wellbeing and flourishing, we end up with entitled teens who never see the value in setting limits. Carr-Gregg calls these entitled boys “Prince Boofheads”.
The most compelling consequence that we can impart on our boys is restricting something that they enjoy. We all know that a consequence needs to “hurt” a little, however, too often we get frustrated when our boys do not learn from the consequence and re-offend. When this occurs, we need to reshape our thinking to establishing a rewards system for desirable behaviour. For example, if your son is allowed to use technology in the morning, he should be rewarded for being ready before the parent who is driving him. Once his bag is packed and he has everything he needs for the day he might be allowed some time on his Xbox. This contrasts with allowing him access to his Xbox when he wakes up and having to remove the privilege of using his Xbox in the morning when he is not ready on time. In both cases he can access his Xbox, we just need to consider how we can offer his access as a reward for desirable behaviour as opposed to a punishment for his undesirable behaviour.
As parents and teachers, we don’t always get it right in finding the balance between rules, rewards and consequences. However, the more consistent we are, the more our boys will trust us and in turn, when our boys do the wrong thing, we can use our trusting relationship as the basis on which we establish and promote positive future behaviours.
Mr Mark Oliphant
Head of Senior School
Latest Blog
Making a Positive Impact with Homework Assistance
The Anglicare Homework Assistance Program (HAP), run in conjunction with Darling Heights State School, sees many of our boys volunteer their time on Wednesdays after class to help many young refugee and primary school students facing challenging times with their homework, or to chat and play games. Our boys thoroughly enjoy meeting, supporting and learning about the lives of the younger children. This forges community connections and fosters inclusion for the Darling Heights students; it also…
Fresh Faces Guide - TGS Sportsmen into the Fray
With their dedication to excellence and player development, TGS athletes are in good hands as they navigate the challenges and triumphs of competitive sports.
Honouring Tradition, Preparing for the Future
They will invariably be inspired by effective teaching and the satisfaction of personal achievement will always be motivating. At Toowoomba Grammar School, the power of high-quality instructional practices has resulted in the development of a strong academic culture that has endured for nearly 150 years. Preserving core principles provides stability and continuity. However, we must be open to continuously adapting our methods so that our students are well-prepared for the ever-changing world…
We See You - Mitchell Wilkes
That was the heart-wrenching diagnosis for Year 10 student, Mitchell Wilkes, right on Christmas in 2021. Mitchell’s mum noticed he wasn’t reading properly and had a gut feeling that there was something wrong with his eyesight. A trip to the optometrist revealed a thinning in the retina, and further tests showed that Mitchell had a genetic condition called Stargardt Disease, a juvenile macular degeneration illness that results in slow central vision loss.
Correcting our School's official record commemorating World War I and World War II
On the eve of our 150th year, we're calling on the School's alumni, parents, past parents and greater community to aid us in correcting the record of our involvement in two watershed geopolitical events of the 20th century. For the last four years Toowoomba Grammar School Museum Volunteers, Mrs Ann Hallam and Mrs Sue Palmer, have been updating the School records on Old Boys, staff and Trustees for the World War I and World War II theatres of war. Over the years several staff and volunteers have…
A Pioneering Woman of TGS
My late husband was a teacher, and our four children are all teachers, which we encouraged them to do because it is the best job in the world. It’s hard to believe I’ve been here for 36 years, working under four Headmasters: Mr Bill Dent, Mr Hugh Rose, Mr Peter Hauser and now Dr John Kinniburgh. I still drive into the School each day and smile, looking at the beautiful place it is — magnificent ovals, gracious trees and historically significant buildings. It is difficult to express the…
NZ Rugby Tour success, more than winning matches across the Ditch
The teams were undefeated and it was a trip the players will never forget. This tour was years in the making and heralds a new era of touring and hosting different rugby schools to give our players opportunities for growth as athletes and as people. Head of Sport - Rugby, Mr Lincoln Clapham, explained they selected 46 students to take part in the ten-day tour and began training last year. From Term 1 onwards, the squad trained twice weekly on the oval plus two and sometimes three gym sessions…
Aussie Teen Reading Habits Revealed
I was recently sent an article, summarising some research from Deakin University around the reading habits of teens in 2024. Some of it was, as the title suggests, surprising. Some was not. However, all of it was built around the importance of reading, and supporting our teens to read, which is something that every one of us should do. While we tend to see our teens as digital natives, recent research from Deakin University suggests that the average Aussie teen reader would rather flick through…
Now More Than Ever
The one-of-a-kind Indigenous artwork is emblazoned across the shirts for the First IV Tennis team, jerseys for the First XI Football team and First XV Rugby team and First V Basketball team's singlets. National Reconciliation Week is a significant date on the calendar for all Australians, running from Monday, 27 May to Monday, 3 June. The incorporation of this Indigenous design in our uniforms is a significant milestone for our School, especially for our 47 Aboriginal and Torres Strait…
