Recently I was in a webinar that aimed to tackle the issues surrounding technology and its effects on students. Some members of the forum started openly criticising boys for their poor behaviour. Whilst their criticisms were not directed specifically at our boys, I was offended at their general statements. We can be too quick to criticise boys and we forget that their frontal lobes are still developing. We also forget that their brains are “wired” differently from girls and that they don’t see the same levels of reason that we do (my 9-year-old son is a perfect example!). Sadly, our frustrations with our boys’ misgivings can result in us overlooking all of the wonderful things that our boys do!
Working with our young men can be so rewarding and I am reminded of this each day. For the vast majority of the time our boys turn up to school with a smile on their face. They acknowledge adults and teachers as they walk by and look you in the eye when they shake your hand. Our boys wear their uniforms with pride and are respectful to their teachers. Their enthusiasm can be seen on the sporting fields and during their service activities.
Unfortunately, from time to time, boys will make a mistake. As adults, we need to accept this reality. If a boy makes a mistake, we need to help him to learn three things. Firstly, it is acceptable to make mistakes. We all do, and it is an integral part of learning and becoming a well-adjusted young man. Secondly, boys need to learn to be honest, own their mistake and accept the consequences. Thirdly, and sometimes most importantly, our sons need to know that we will forgive them when they make a mistake. By not forgiving our boys’ mistakes, we are not modelling for them the skills of forgiveness and tolerance. We need to view our boys’ mistakes as a learning process and remember to acknowledge all of the good things that they do.
As parents and teachers we walk a fine line with our rules, rewards and consequences. As psychologist and author, Dr Michael Carr-Gregg acknowledges in his book “Surviving Adolescents”, we need to negotiate with our teenagers the rules in our homes, boarding houses and schools. If the boys do not feel that they have some ownership in shaping them, they can become rebellious. However, the flip side is that if we do not create the structures that are important for wellbeing and flourishing, we end up with entitled teens who never see the value in setting limits. Carr-Gregg calls these entitled boys “Prince Boofheads”.
The most compelling consequence that we can impart on our boys is restricting something that they enjoy. We all know that a consequence needs to “hurt” a little, however, too often we get frustrated when our boys do not learn from the consequence and re-offend. When this occurs, we need to reshape our thinking to establishing a rewards system for desirable behaviour. For example, if your son is allowed to use technology in the morning, he should be rewarded for being ready before the parent who is driving him. Once his bag is packed and he has everything he needs for the day he might be allowed some time on his Xbox. This contrasts with allowing him access to his Xbox when he wakes up and having to remove the privilege of using his Xbox in the morning when he is not ready on time. In both cases he can access his Xbox, we just need to consider how we can offer his access as a reward for desirable behaviour as opposed to a punishment for his undesirable behaviour.
As parents and teachers, we don’t always get it right in finding the balance between rules, rewards and consequences. However, the more consistent we are, the more our boys will trust us and in turn, when our boys do the wrong thing, we can use our trusting relationship as the basis on which we establish and promote positive future behaviours.
Mr Mark Oliphant
Head of Senior School
Latest Blog
Boarding Families - Surviving Homesickness
Homesickness can be brutal for both the child and their parents. As a parent it can feel like your heart is being ripped out in some cases daily. It is extremely hard hearing how sad your boy may sound on the phone, and then you are left reeling for 24hrs until the next call, you are often left worried that they are feeling like this ALL DAY. Rest assured only vary rare cases are that bad, they usually improve as they settle in, and it is temporary. The reality is that most boys tend to save…
Helpful Tips for New Boarding Parents
Name absolutely everything! Socks, undies, phone chargers, water bottles, caps. EVERYTHING!! Make sure you name items with Boy’s name & House number; most parents will put their senior house number if printing the tags so they don’t have to rename items when they move the following year (Corfe House doesn’t have a house number). Some boys find a double bed doona is a better option than single doona as it hangs down the sides of the bed a little more to keep them warmer in winter. An…
Parenting Styles: Parties and the Holidays
As the holiday season approaches, parents and caregivers find themselves immersed in the joy and bustle of festivities. Amidst the celebrations, it’s essential to pause and reflect on the pivotal role our parenting styles play in shaping our children’s attitudes and behaviours, especially concerning alcohol and other drug use. As a father of four young people with my fifth child coming into our family on 8 December 2023, I’m particularly mindful of my parenting style and my role as School…
Building the Boarding Experience - at Home
Family connections is a vital aspect of our Toowoomba Grammar School boarding program that we hold close to our heart. Our Heads of House regularly make the effort to visit our boarding families so they have a better understanding of our boarders' lives, the challenges and experiences, and staff always enjoy the warmth and hospitality provided by families. Head of Corfe House, Henry White and his wife, Samantha recently spent a weekend with the Acton family on Dalgonally Station near Julia…
A New Season for Coach Kabe
Highly respected Head of Basketball and 1st V Coach, Kabe Ciccolini is embarking on a new and inspiring chapter. This season, he takes up the role of Assistant Head of Corfe House, guiding our youngest boarders with a warmth and passion that is uniquely his own. Kabe’s decision to transition into the role of Assistant Head of Corfe House reflects his unwavering commitment to mentorship and leadership. For him, this move signifies a positive step in his career. “It’s an opportunity to further…
Embrace Every Moment
In the words of one of the greatest leaders of all time, Albus Dumbledore, “it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” The wise wizard spoke these words to Harry as he stood before the Mirror of Erised, a magical artifact that reveals one’s deepest desires. These words tell the story of the balance between our dreams and the richness of the present moment. We live in a world that often urges us to focus on our aspirations; , sometimes we get so lost in our dreams that we do not…
What is the TGS Athletic Development Academy?
As a TGS Old Boy (2003-14), sport has always been an integral part of my upbringing. As a young boy I discovered the joys of cricket, track and field and touch footy. This love of being active led me to studying Exercise Science at University and I was fortunate enough to work with a range of national and international level athletes, culminating in an internship at the Brisbane Broncos. This experience launched my career in the strength and conditioning space, allowing me to work with…
The Boarding and Day Family Connections
My husband Ben and I are four years into our boarding journey at Toowoomba Grammar School, we have two boys in Mackintosh House, Josh in Year 10 and Archie in Year 9, and a daughter Ella who is home with us for one more year before we become empty nesters. We are in the fortunate position that we live reasonably close, so we have the privilege of taking our boys home often and can attend most School events. For many of our boarding families, this is not the case, they live great distances away…
Streamline Success
Education is a transformative journey where the path we choose exerts a profound influence on our ultimate success. A streamed class is like an express locomotive: swift, efficient, and filled with eager passengers zooming towards their educational destination. Meanwhile, an unstreamed class resembles a motley group of hikers who accidentally wandered onto the wrong trail, stumbling and bickering as they struggle to find their way. Imagine the express locomotive of streamed classes, full of…
